im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
