the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
A bitchslap is in order.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
