Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
