Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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