Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
