Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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