This is not my ceiling
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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