dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
