I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
