I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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