Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
