My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
