Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
