I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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