my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
