In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
