Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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