Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
People in love make me want to vomit
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
