Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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