I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
