I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
