I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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