nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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