I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Randomize
