I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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