My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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