I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
