I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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