i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Boobs speak an international language.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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