So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
