'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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