I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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