dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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