I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
