he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize