You can't special order awesome
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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