Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
