As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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