and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
