Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
