if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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