So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
