Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
