between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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