our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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