she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
