I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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