shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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