I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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