When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
