I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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