He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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