If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
