took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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