You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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