They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
