god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
