noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
