Your dad touched me again.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
