i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize