I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
