I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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