So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
