Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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