i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need to calm my uterus...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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