We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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