benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You are a genius and a whore.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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