I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
