I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize